Thursday, 14 April 2011

Was 6 now 2.

Once upon a time I belonged to a largeish family of six.  My parents, 3 brothers and myself.  My father died when I 19, some years later the middle brother committed sucide, destroyed my mother, who then, sometime later, was diagnosed with cancer and died within 3 months of that.  Yesterday, my eldest brother, Kevin, called to tell me Peter has been found dead.  He was the youngest of the 3 boys, and ten years older than me.  So now there is only Kevin and myself.  It seems so unreal, how can one family loose so many members?

I don't know the details of his death.  Kevin was contacted by the police because Peter's neighbours had raised an alarm, they hadn't seem him at all for a while.  Did Kevin know where Peter was, could he be out, on holiday?  Unlikely, so the police broke down the door, or whatever they do to get inside a house, and found him.  All I know is the police told Kevin it looked like Peter had been dead a while.  How long that is, who knows.  It's that which is playing on my mind, along with the obvious questions of why he's dead?  Peter I use to be thick as thieves, but after mum's death we fell out and never talked again.  He refused all overtures I made and eventually I stopped, if I were in Yorkshire I would pop by the house but he never once answered the door.    And deep down I knew he would never forgive me, but you know, you hope, there's none now.  Gods though, for no one to know, no one to be there.  That is awful, poor Peter.  He was a git, but damn he was my brother and I loved him.  I keep imaging him laying there in that house, horrible visions and my heart aches for him so much.

Kevin has driven up, I assume he's on his way back to Hampshire, where he lives, now.  I assume he will have made the formal identification; but then I wonder if he would have been able to, would they have let him see Peter?  I wanted to go too, yet I couldn't, I have Rye to think about, I couldn't take him up there not knowing what state the house is in.  I will go up, for the funeral of course.  Another funeral, another blood relative to bury, to grieve for.  When does it end?  It doesn't, that's life, and it's shit, not always, but today, it's shit.

Ahhh Peter, what happened?  Why are you dead?

15 comments:

Heather said...

(((((((((((((((((((((huge hugs)))))))))))))))))). Whatever happened, he was your brother. The pathologists should hopefully be able to give some answers - how, when, possibly why. You also have your other brother who sounds like he'll look after you.

I want to give you more comfort, but I can't think of what to say, so I'll send you more (((((((((hugs))))))))))

lilac73 said...

(((HUGS))) and thoughts with you and your brother.

Woolly Wanderer said...

Oh Joxy how awful... no words but hugs and a prayer.

Much love San xx

Susie (September) said...

So sorry Jacqui, sending you love and hugs tonight xxxxx

LauraPinkFaery said...

Sweetie, Jase and i are so sorry to hear about your loss. We're here for you and Rye if you need anything. We love you xxxx

Shell said...

Hugs to you Jacqui, the world is definitely sh*t sometimes. xxx

Rose said...

Sending you strength and love X

Lady Green said...

Hugs and love darling xxxx

mamaUK said...

Joxy, i don't know what to say, apart from I am so sorry for your loss. That doesn't see enough, but I don't know what else to type.

Pippa said...

Ah Jacqui, that's truly awful and I'm sending you a big hug. People change so much as adults and brothers and sisters become adults with ideas and principles of their own. But he was your brother and you obviously loved him dearly and nothing changes that, or the happy memories you have of him when you were both younger.

Be very gentle on yourself, sending you much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shazronnie said...

Sorry Joxy, how sad :( I hope you can try and remember the happy times you had as children and not dwell on the what ifs xxx

Becky said...

((hugs)) really sorry to hear that xxx

Becks said...

Jacqui, I'm so sorry. Can't think of any other words to offer. And really, what use are words? I wish I could offer more.
xx

LesleyA said...

Jacqui, I am so sorry x

jeanR said...

I am sorry for your lossx