The day started out rather well...

Lots of dancing and singing with bells around our ankles

Creating a dinosaur that is mulitasking as tunnels too.

The play mat I ordered, to combat the ear splitting noise of the toys being dropped on laminate and the squeak of the wheels, arrived and is a big hit with both kids.

 

Good place to eat the cracker slyly procurred from Mummy's plate.

And I realised the parcel that arrived yesterday wasn't the book I'm expecting from the tax man on what I can and can't claim for as a childminder - but rather this lovely book on bread making that so many mama's have raved about.  Now I own a copy I can see why :-)

On top of all this, my long awaited mattress topper and new pillows arrived today - and oh bliss.  The pillows are wonderful and squishy and the mattress topper (not a foam one, couldn't afford that), is so cosy and soft.

So in all a pretty darn good day eh.

Well, yes and no.  Up to just before teatime, yep, a lovely day.

Diaster struck when I was in the kitchen and I once again heard Rye screaming at my charge.

It's not done maliciously, or because he's frustrated with her, he's playing, but of course, no one likes to have someone stood behind you screaming, particularly someone who is much bigger, and, while she's not scared, she does look nervous when he does it.

I've been calmly asking him all last week and the this week to use his "indoor voice", and not to "scream and shout at C because it makes her sad,".   He's doing it when I leave the room because that's what C does when I go to the bathroom or into the "hallway" to answer the front door.  I know this

And sure I was miffed with him because he'd hurt her not five minutes before, running the red wooden bus into her because he was being silly and showing off. I was calm, comforted my charge, and then spoke to Rye about being careful and when we hurt someone it often makes them feel better to say "sorry", which he did.

It was an accident though, and put together a 16 month little girl and a boisterous and quite tall 3yr old boy and there's going to be tears now and again.

I know all this.

And yet when I heard him screaming at C yet again, I saw red.  Literally, I stormed into the lounge, grabbed his arm, swung him round and walloped his backside and then shouted at him to get up stairs and go to bed.

Immediately the horror of what I'd done hit me and I ran into the kitchen and burst into tears.

I could have stayed in there all night but I needed to let Rye know that the appalling behaviour I'd just modelled for him was and is not acceptable.

Bless my boy, when I opened the door to the "hallway" and looked up the stairs he was stood up there trying to decide whether to venture down or not.  He gave me a tentative smile and I just said, "Come here sweetheart", he galloped down the stairs and flew into my arms.

I could make all sorts of excuses for that sordid episode; yes I am dog tired because of the insomnia, a dose of cabin fever; my lounge is very small probably 10 foot wide and maybe about 15 foot long?  So the noise level can be pretty ear wrenching at times etc, I'm struggling not to get excessively peeved at this oppositional phase Rye is in, where every time he's asked something or told to do something he says, "I don't want to".

I don't want to excuse the behaviour though, I need to own it, to figure out how I can control that demon part of me.  I grew up with a great deal of violence - much of it at the time was considered normal by most people and indeed until I had Rye I didn't really see a problem with an odd smack.

I do now, it's utterly against my parenting beliefs, the truths I've come to understand about the way children learn to be... and how much kinder would the world be if violence simply wasn't tolerated and accepted in any shape or form?

Inspite of that I have a learned behaviour that when you're angry you hit out.  99% of the time its under control - I need it to be so 100%. 

There is a basic tenant of magic and that is "know thyself".  Sound simple?  It's not, and I doubt a lifetime of meditation would truly unlock all the dark recesses and complexities that make up the self; particularly a self that is continually changing. 

Nonetheless this is what I need to do, I need to dig down, release those bolts that have hidden all those dark, demons and impulses and release them, unite them with the self, create harmony, and I need to forgive, truly forgive.