Saturday, 16 April 2011

Ramblings.

I am so very fortunate.  Pete's death has made me very aware of that.  So many friends being wonderfully supportive, the use of a car so I can visit Kevin tomorrow, taking Rye to the park and keeping him entertained for a few hours so I could snooze - offering to come and help me out next week, hanging out washing for me.  Listening to my ramblings, I'm probably repeating myself a lot but then its not about the words, its the connection.  Everyone is rallying around in ways that they can and I am very grateful, so very grateful.

Peter was always rather shy, socially awkward, and rather blunt.  He didn't suffer fools gladly and, being that he had a scathing wit, he was also rather formidable...  that wit could also be hilariously funny - so-long not directed at you.   The death of my father and later middle brother, began the gradual process of Peter becoming more and more isolated and withdrawing from society.  Then when mum died he really began to cut himself off... not straight away and for a long time he did satisfy that social need, we all have, via the internet...until eventually he removed that connection too - but not before he had researched the method he would use to exit this world.

He used helium gas and a bag.  He left a note, explaining why, asking us to understand and forgive him and not to be sad or guilty, he'd had enough, he didn't want our help, he just wanted to go. He offered comfort by explaining he would feel no pain and his passing would be peaceful.   Not entirely sure I can forgive, not even sure if there is any point in forgiving, he's dead, what the hell does he care?  And just as quickly as the spark of anger ignites, it flickers out again and I just feel numb and sad.  He was so very rational, he knew exactly what he was doing... how do you get to that point?  Impulse I can understand; Richard's sucide was an impulse - he probably didn't even mean for it to go so far that he died..but he did... but Peter.  He deliberately set out to find a method that would be painless, he left a note for Kevin along with some paperwork (but not a will it seems), he turned off the gas, electric and water supplies and he secured the house, then he laid down and he did the deed.

I don't understand, how can you do that?  That level of dispassionate-ness, it is beyond me.

and so I ramble, I umm and arrhhh, I stare into space; sometimes I cry briefly, over times silent tears fall, other times I'm able to block it out and concentrate on the normal daily routines; laugh at the children, read stories to Rye, have cuddles and kisses, play games. 

And deep down I thank my gods that I made connections, I have connections, that I cannot understand how Peter could be done with life at 46 years of age and that, despite having similar recluse tendencies, I do have friends, a community around me, I do know I am loved and normally life is good.

12 comments:

LesleyA said...

Oh Jacqui, just sending support and ((((hugs))))

missking said...

oh joxy, i cant imagine how you are feeling. sending you hugs x

Rachel said...

Words fail me my darling, but I am holding you close and tight and sending you all the (((HUGS))) I can muster. Hold your sweet boy close and tight and know that he is here share the love that you both deserve.

Rxxxx

Shell said...

"I don't understand, how can you do that? That level of dispassionate-ness, it is beyond me."

Society in general cannot understand the whys and wherefores when something like this happens but as someone who has suffered with depression to a horrid point, I can understand. I know I didn't know your brother, but for me he seemed very passionate in how he went about it - he didn't want to leave stuff for people to have to do, he didn't leave a mess, he wanted you all to know he suffered no pain. I know that's still not really going to help you understand, your anger will always bubble up, and you will question why more times than you can count, but (to me) he has tried to lessen the pain for you all.

Huge hugs to you

xxxx

Lou said...

Thinking of you xx

Lilith Noor said...

Oh Jacqui, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Glad to hear you've got plenty of support and understanding around you. I hope this pain heals with time.

Woolly Wanderer said...

So sad Joxy, I'm really glad you have lots of practical and emotional help nearby, it cannot be easy for you.

Prayers and a hug

San xx

lilac73 said...

(((HUGS)))

Pippa said...

Sending you lots of support and hugs. xxxxxxxxx

Heather said...

More (((((((((((hugs))))))))). I've been praying to know what to say to you, to help, and it's not easy. I can't take the pain away, I can't bring him back, I can't even offer physical support. What I can say is that a good friend committed suicide via his car days before his 18th birthday, and, while the pain has long gone, I still think of him from time to time. Is there something that your brother loved that you could do in memory of him? Even if it's just a view that you photograph and frame, something that you can think of him with. The only other thing I can say is that most, if not all, faiths, have a cycle of births and deaths, new life replacing old life. I don't know if yours does, but try to think of the broken Peter being renewed in some form. I haven't put that very well, but you and your remaining brother are in my thoughts and prayers.

kb77 said...

Sorry to hear this Jacqui. Thinking of you.

kb77

Claire said...

Such deeds send all kinds of thoughts whirring. I'm not sure one can fully understand how someone is feeling when they do this, and I think that I wouldn't want to really know how they are feelling, as that would be a very dark place indeed. At the end of the day, if someone is determined there's not much anyone else can do to stop them.

I hope the roller coaster of emotions starts to slow soon, and thank goodness for friends and connections! (((hugs)))