Saturday, 10 October 2009



Struggling to be present and connected at the moment.  Feeling constantly tired and out of sorts, and I guess a bit lonely.  I'm finding myself being terminally bored by games Rye wants to play - even things I normally enjoy - painting, baking, playing with treeblocks and reading stories.

And wow, don't I feel an utter cow for admitting it.  Today has been a bit better, the kitchen and lounge were tidied; we baked muffins and I put music on and we sang and dance to Cher.  I suspect much of my current disconnectedness and lack of presence is down to being stagnant.  When I get like this I tend to retreat into myself and my daydreams - hence the tiredness because I'm constantly dreaming of the "ideal" rather than slipping into proper deep sleep... and by the time I do, I'm soon woken by a very active and well kipped almost 3yr old. 

I think it's been lurking a while - but the 3-4 day stint of rain really brought it crashing into me.  The grey dullness of the days were so representative of my mind, the raining, dreariness, a metaphor for my feelings.  A large part is of course the friend that has gone to ground and isn't talking to anyone and others involved in a very complicated mess who have gone suspiciously quiet too.  On the one hand I'm relieved because a complicated and uncomfortable situation has been resolved, of a kind, and on the other hand I am now feeling as lonely as I did when I lived in Medway and I miss the friendships.  Add onto that the repetitiveness of my life of late, Rye's incredibly irriating tuneless "humming", the continuing tight finances, and I've been slowly going crazy.

A shake up is need obviously, change of routine, getting out of the house a bit more, spending more time in nature.  I recently discovered via another blogger in the area, that there's a park with a lovely walk and pond with ducks etc.. and while I love the beach, I have been desperately missing trees.  Spiritually, I've lost my way a bit and need to find that path again.  I've also made the decision that I will give the childminding until after the New Year and if still nothing, then I'll take it as sign from the Cosmos that it's just not meant to be and look at finding work - it will mean no longer being a full time SAHM.  I don't really want to, but Rye and I can't go the places I want to go to, we can't do hardly anything because I never have the funds - even getting to the beach is impossible more often than not because I don't have the busfare!.. what is the point of being home full time if I can't bloody do anything????  

I may look at moving too, despite putting out feelers, there are no HE groups down here, and while it's not such an issue at the mo, it will become increasingly so as the Rye gets a bit older.  Sad because I thought that was it, settled in an area - and I have come to really like Folkestone.. only problem with it, is it's so flipping far from everything transport is so expensive.  The only HE group I'm aware of Kent in the Medway and Bromley (yes how ironic eh.. Medway, the place I escaped and I'm considering moving back), although recent events have made me wonder about moving a little further North.  Well, that's unlikely to happen, while part of me yearns to return to my roots (South Yorkshire), there is Rye's dad to consider. A way of easing the financial burden a little bit, would be moving but of course I can't afford to move - catch 22.

And finally I'm royally peeved off because I've followed a pattern from the Stitch and Bitch book for fingerless gloves and at the end it's all gone to pot and I don't fully understand the instructions and grrrrrrrr.. It just seems ridiculously complicated for what basically amounts to wrist warmers!  Sigh.  Anyway gonna unpick and see if I can't unravel what the edging and joining seams instructions are saying.


Jax said...

hugs, sounds like a few things coming together to make life tough for you.

Could you make any money out of your crafting?

Liz said...

Oh poor you, what a situation, you're stuck from all sides, no wonder you're going crazy! I presume you kow about the yahoo group and that you're also aware of FLAGS based in Edenbridge and I also know of another HE meet-up in Bellingham which is near Bromley I believe. Don't know if any of those are anywhere near you?
Things will change, a new phase will start after Samhain, just give it time...

Claire said...

Sorry you are feeling at such a loss at the moment. I hope something comes along soon to show you the way to go. (((hugs)))

Joxy said...

Thanks.. and as ridiculously stupid as it sounds, I managed to sort out the glove last night and now I'm really chuffed with it. I didn't work to the gauge so it is a tad large lol. And pancakes this morning, who can be miserable after pancakes?

I am still tired though.. sigh, got up at 4am because I couldn't sleep properly, and cleaned the bathroom.

And yeah you're right Liz, after Samhain I'll probably be a lot more together.

Julia said...

Joxy, have you put notices for your childminding in the local shops and post office. A lady advertises at the car boot here, selling her stuff and giving out cards to advertise. You can get free samples of 10 cards off a few companies on the internet so that might be an idea. You could also go to the local school at the end of the day and hand out some cards or leaflet off your computer.
Keep your chin up, things will get better.
Julia x

Joxy said...

HI Julia, yeah I've put up posters in the library, local shops, on my own lounge window, at toddler groups and finally, last week, Kent County Council finished migrating the childproviders database onto the new one, so I'm finally showing on the website - so fingers crossed something will happen soon!

Claire said...

Hugs honey, sorry to hear you're feeling so rubbish. I hope things look brighter for you soon xxx

Flower said...

Good luck....and with you on the no funds problem...loads of lovely ideas but no money to even travel somewhere to do something that is is so at a bit of a loss as to what to do next and a bit lonely at the mo and just hanging in there trusting that whats meant to be will happen at the right time...moving is a big you know even a couple of home ed families locally, maybe you could start something up? or join the online groups of the nearest ones, even if they are a way might find someone living near you who travels the distance and might set something up with you more locally or lift share? Keep of these days I might share my new blog...not quite brave enough yet so hats off to

Becky said...

Hi Joxy

((hugh)) I've been feeling unsettled lately too - must be something in the air. I've been dreaming too...

If we move again then finding active HE groups would be a priority, so i totally understand how you feel about having no HE groups near you - especially as they get a little older.

People do move all the time and make it work with an ex-partner but I admit that I have always remained within easy travelling distance of my Ex husband for my eldest daughters sake. Easy travelling distance is within an hour or so. It is now only 3 and a half years til she is 18 (:-0) and then we will be free-er to consider moving further afield. I would like to live nearer the coast!

Re: childminding. I know you have tried so many things but it would be a shame to have to go back to work when you don't want to. Have you thought of other options? You could even become self employed selling your crafty wares or paintings and if you 'work' 16hrs a week on them then you qualify for all the tax credits, regardless of whether you end up making £10 a week selling them. Don't know if financially you can live off what you can sell and the tax credits but maybe worth looking into?

And if moving somewhere cheaper to rent and live means you have the option to continue being at home with Rye then that would deffo top my priority list!

Hope you (and us all!) are feeling better soon.


Joxy said...

Thank you ladies :)

It looks like one of my "issues" has been resolved thanks to Liz :) I've discovered there is a group in Canterbury, which isn't too far from here and it turns out there are a couple of HE'ers in Folkestone. A lady from the Canterbury group is sending me a yahoo group invite.

I might look into the that tax credit thing, see how it all works and whether I could live on the monies I'd be getting.

As for moving, I'm going to give it until after the New Year - same as the Childminding, simply because my registration is tied to this house and beside this time of the year is expensie for me with Yule/Christmas and Rye's birthday so don't want to throw a move into the mix just yet.

I am feeling a bit more positive though, just knowing there is a group within reasonable distance has made a big difference in my mood :)