Struggling to be present and connected at the moment. Feeling constantly tired and out of sorts, and I guess a bit lonely. I'm finding myself being terminally bored by games Rye wants to play - even things I normally enjoy - painting, baking, playing with treeblocks and reading stories.
And wow, don't I feel an utter cow for admitting it. Today has been a bit better, the kitchen and lounge were tidied; we baked muffins and I put music on and we sang and dance to Cher. I suspect much of my current disconnectedness and lack of presence is down to being stagnant. When I get like this I tend to retreat into myself and my daydreams - hence the tiredness because I'm constantly dreaming of the "ideal" rather than slipping into proper deep sleep... and by the time I do, I'm soon woken by a very active and well kipped almost 3yr old.
I think it's been lurking a while - but the 3-4 day stint of rain really brought it crashing into me. The grey dullness of the days were so representative of my mind, the raining, dreariness, a metaphor for my feelings. A large part is of course the friend that has gone to ground and isn't talking to anyone and others involved in a very complicated mess who have gone suspiciously quiet too. On the one hand I'm relieved because a complicated and uncomfortable situation has been resolved, of a kind, and on the other hand I am now feeling as lonely as I did when I lived in Medway and I miss the friendships. Add onto that the repetitiveness of my life of late, Rye's incredibly irriating tuneless "humming", the continuing tight finances, and I've been slowly going crazy.
A shake up is need obviously, change of routine, getting out of the house a bit more, spending more time in nature. I recently discovered via another blogger in the area, that there's a park with a lovely walk and pond with ducks etc.. and while I love the beach, I have been desperately missing trees. Spiritually, I've lost my way a bit and need to find that path again. I've also made the decision that I will give the childminding until after the New Year and if still nothing, then I'll take it as sign from the Cosmos that it's just not meant to be and look at finding work - it will mean no longer being a full time SAHM. I don't really want to, but Rye and I can't go the places I want to go to, we can't do hardly anything because I never have the funds - even getting to the beach is impossible more often than not because I don't have the busfare!.. what is the point of being home full time if I can't bloody do anything????
I may look at moving too, despite putting out feelers, there are no HE groups down here, and while it's not such an issue at the mo, it will become increasingly so as the Rye gets a bit older. Sad because I thought that was it, settled in an area - and I have come to really like Folkestone.. only problem with it, is it's so flipping far from everything transport is so expensive. The only HE group I'm aware of Kent in the Medway and Bromley (yes how ironic eh.. Medway, the place I escaped and I'm considering moving back), although recent events have made me wonder about moving a little further North. Well, that's unlikely to happen, while part of me yearns to return to my roots (South Yorkshire), there is Rye's dad to consider. A way of easing the financial burden a little bit, would be moving but of course I can't afford to move - catch 22.
And finally I'm royally peeved off because I've followed a pattern from the Stitch and Bitch book for fingerless gloves and at the end it's all gone to pot and I don't fully understand the instructions and grrrrrrrr.. It just seems ridiculously complicated for what basically amounts to wrist warmers! Sigh. Anyway gonna unpick and see if I can't unravel what the edging and joining seams instructions are saying.