Want to run away.

Today has not been a good day.
Rye has alwasy been a very active little boy; as he gets older I'm beginning to wonder if its something more.  Rye is not overly great at empathy either - actually that's an under statement, it's not that he doeesn't see when someone is upet or happy, he just doesn't seem to care.  I am constantly intervening between  him and the little girl I mind.  Now, ok, he ignores her crying in large part because she's a wee bit of a drama queen and will cry at the slightest thing, so when he does actually hurt her, he doesn't take any notice of her crying.  Still, he ignores when she tells him she doesn't like something he's doing, or asks him to stop.  He just keeps on, so it becomes pestering and tormenting.  Frankly it's driving me batty and the only time he stops is if I get really angry and shout.

I don't want to spend my life shouting at him though, there has got to be a better way.  I've read how to talk to kids.... and I try to use it as much as possible, but he just doesn't listen.  Having a simply conversation is hard enough, having to keep pulling him back on topic as he randomly starts talking about other things........ so when trying to talk to him about his behaviour is neigh on impossible.

I am wondering if maybe nicking an idea from the Sonlight programme, might help him?  I'm tired so I can't think what it's called at the moment; basically it's a ring binder with lots of pictures in it.  Rye is a visual learner and while he can follow fairly complex instructions, it can take repeating a few times before he's successful.  I wonder if making up a ring binder with different pictures of emotions, our rhythm etc will help him to listen effectively.

Shouting and being angry is just not helping; sure in the short term I get his cooperation, or the very least a temproary respite of whichever behaviour is beginning to really piss me off.  But he is coping my tone when angry..and hearing it parroted back to me.. well its cringeworthy and very shaming.  So long term I'm simply adding to the problem of his behaviour.

Rhythm, again this helps so I need to be more mindful of keeping our rhythm a bit more in place... I'm a lackadaisical type of person, and while Rye can be adaptable.. I am beginning to wonder if some of his manic behaviour is a response to that.

Although to be fair too, the past few days has been sugar fest of the highest order... and yes I know, I've always said I have never noticed much of a difference in his behaviour in relation to what he's eaten....... but he has been so awful today that maybe it does.  Worth investigating anyway.

I wrote on a forum I use earlier that there's time I don't like him, that I worry he's turning into a bully, or will end up being abusive like his dad has been in the past.....I love him, absolute no doubt about that...... but oh my, I do have such fears for him.  However, he's now sat on my bedroom floor, looking at some Cars cards, chattering away to himself and I can't help but smile and chide myself... how can I not like and love this boy; he's delightful............. but wow he's hard work and wow he really makes me examine myself and how I parent him... and at the moment, I loathe the way I'm parenting him, it's not often I feel tearful, but tonight I could cry my heart out.    Tonight single parenthood seems the pits. 

But lets try and end with some positivity; a few things to implement that hopefully will help me to parent in a much more "gentle" way:

1. change diet
2. use rhythm much more
3. create pictorial folder of emotions, actions, behaviours etc.

And I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo need to meditate more!  I find it helps enormously with controlling my temper!

Fiddlesticks!

Bleurgh!

Struggling to be present and connected at the moment.  Feeling constantly tired and out of sorts, and I guess a bit lonely.  I'm finding myself being terminally bored by games Rye wants to play - even things I normally enjoy - painting, baking, playing with treeblocks and reading stories.

And wow, don't I feel an utter cow for admitting it.  Today has been a bit better, the kitchen and lounge were tidied; we baked muffins and I put music on and we sang and dance to Cher.  I suspect much of my current disconnectedness and lack of presence is down to being stagnant.  When I get like this I tend to retreat into myself and my daydreams - hence the tiredness because I'm constantly dreaming of the "ideal" rather than slipping into proper deep sleep... and by the time I do, I'm soon woken by a very active and well kipped almost 3yr old. 

I think it's been lurking a while - but the 3-4 day stint of rain really brought it crashing into me.  The grey dullness of the days were so representative of my mind, the raining, dreariness, a metaphor for my feelings.  A large part is of course the friend that has gone to ground and isn't talking to anyone and others involved in a very complicated mess who have gone suspiciously quiet too.  On the one hand I'm relieved because a complicated and uncomfortable situation has been resolved, of a kind, and on the other hand I am now feeling as lonely as I did when I lived in Medway and I miss the friendships.  Add onto that the repetitiveness of my life of late, Rye's incredibly irriating tuneless "humming", the continuing tight finances, and I've been slowly going crazy.

A shake up is need obviously, change of routine, getting out of the house a bit more, spending more time in nature.  I recently discovered via another blogger in the area, that there's a park with a lovely walk and pond with ducks etc.. and while I love the beach, I have been desperately missing trees.  Spiritually, I've lost my way a bit and need to find that path again.  I've also made the decision that I will give the childminding until after the New Year and if still nothing, then I'll take it as sign from the Cosmos that it's just not meant to be and look at finding work - it will mean no longer being a full time SAHM.  I don't really want to, but Rye and I can't go the places I want to go to, we can't do hardly anything because I never have the funds - even getting to the beach is impossible more often than not because I don't have the busfare!.. what is the point of being home full time if I can't bloody do anything????  

I may look at moving too, despite putting out feelers, there are no HE groups down here, and while it's not such an issue at the mo, it will become increasingly so as the Rye gets a bit older.  Sad because I thought that was it, settled in an area - and I have come to really like Folkestone.. only problem with it, is it's so flipping far from everything transport is so expensive.  The only HE group I'm aware of Kent in the Medway and Bromley (yes how ironic eh.. Medway, the place I escaped and I'm considering moving back), although recent events have made me wonder about moving a little further North.  Well, that's unlikely to happen, while part of me yearns to return to my roots (South Yorkshire), there is Rye's dad to consider. A way of easing the financial burden a little bit, would be moving but of course I can't afford to move - catch 22.

And finally I'm royally peeved off because I've followed a pattern from the Stitch and Bitch book for fingerless gloves and at the end it's all gone to pot and I don't fully understand the instructions and grrrrrrrr.. It just seems ridiculously complicated for what basically amounts to wrist warmers!  Sigh.  Anyway gonna unpick and see if I can't unravel what the edging and joining seams instructions are saying.