Friday, 4 November 2011

Want to run away.

Today has not been a good day.
Rye has alwasy been a very active little boy; as he gets older I'm beginning to wonder if its something more.  Rye is not overly great at empathy either - actually that's an under statement, it's not that he doeesn't see when someone is upet or happy, he just doesn't seem to care.  I am constantly intervening between  him and the little girl I mind.  Now, ok, he ignores her crying in large part because she's a wee bit of a drama queen and will cry at the slightest thing, so when he does actually hurt her, he doesn't take any notice of her crying.  Still, he ignores when she tells him she doesn't like something he's doing, or asks him to stop.  He just keeps on, so it becomes pestering and tormenting.  Frankly it's driving me batty and the only time he stops is if I get really angry and shout.

I don't want to spend my life shouting at him though, there has got to be a better way.  I've read how to talk to kids.... and I try to use it as much as possible, but he just doesn't listen.  Having a simply conversation is hard enough, having to keep pulling him back on topic as he randomly starts talking about other things........ so when trying to talk to him about his behaviour is neigh on impossible.

I am wondering if maybe nicking an idea from the Sonlight programme, might help him?  I'm tired so I can't think what it's called at the moment; basically it's a ring binder with lots of pictures in it.  Rye is a visual learner and while he can follow fairly complex instructions, it can take repeating a few times before he's successful.  I wonder if making up a ring binder with different pictures of emotions, our rhythm etc will help him to listen effectively.

Shouting and being angry is just not helping; sure in the short term I get his cooperation, or the very least a temproary respite of whichever behaviour is beginning to really piss me off.  But he is coping my tone when angry..and hearing it parroted back to me.. well its cringeworthy and very shaming.  So long term I'm simply adding to the problem of his behaviour.

Rhythm, again this helps so I need to be more mindful of keeping our rhythm a bit more in place... I'm a lackadaisical type of person, and while Rye can be adaptable.. I am beginning to wonder if some of his manic behaviour is a response to that.

Although to be fair too, the past few days has been sugar fest of the highest order... and yes I know, I've always said I have never noticed much of a difference in his behaviour in relation to what he's eaten....... but he has been so awful today that maybe it does.  Worth investigating anyway.

I wrote on a forum I use earlier that there's time I don't like him, that I worry he's turning into a bully, or will end up being abusive like his dad has been in the past.....I love him, absolute no doubt about that...... but oh my, I do have such fears for him.  However, he's now sat on my bedroom floor, looking at some Cars cards, chattering away to himself and I can't help but smile and chide myself... how can I not like and love this boy; he's delightful............. but wow he's hard work and wow he really makes me examine myself and how I parent him... and at the moment, I loathe the way I'm parenting him, it's not often I feel tearful, but tonight I could cry my heart out.    Tonight single parenthood seems the pits. 

But lets try and end with some positivity; a few things to implement that hopefully will help me to parent in a much more "gentle" way:

1. change diet
2. use rhythm much more
3. create pictorial folder of emotions, actions, behaviours etc.

And I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo need to meditate more!  I find it helps enormously with controlling my temper!


Becks said...

Oh dear, you aren't the first mama to have felt this way. Similarly here in the past, and difficulties with another child too in the present. I don't want to mention in public but I know so how you feel, and it will all work out in the end. It's just the getting there........

Lou said...

Sorry to hear things are tough. No advice but lots of positive thoughts flying your way xx :)

Michelle said...

Poor you, it sounds like you've had a an awful time. I'm really struggling with DD's temper tantrums at the moment. She goes into the most expolsive rages when told no which can end up in her hitting and kicking her Dad and me and chucking stuff around. I then really try hard not to lose it with her but it's difficult. Parenting is definately the hardest job ever.

Big hugs

Woolly Wanderer said...

Yes it would help, it's the PEC system, picture exchange, so it would enable him to make his needs known in an easy format for him.

It is not easy raising a kid on the spectrum, they turn out good through maturation but that is of blessed help to you right now.

Routines and structure are the key, we posted routines for everything including chores, bathroom use, etc. It was done in picture format and listed in chronological order and the cards were laminated and as each task was done, it was ticked off with a wipe clean marker.

I'm pretty sure where you are there must a support group fro either ASD or learning type difficulties generally, you need support too.

Thinking of you

San xx

Pippa said...

Aw, sending you a big hug. My eldest DS was a right little b*gger a lot of the time when he was around Rye's age. I used to cry because I loved him and so much but felt like I had no connection with him. I used to really try to focus on his good points, but any time I'd praise him, he'd just glare at me and then promptly wreck whatever it was I was admiring! He'd growl at visitors, he'd sit on his toys to stop his little brother from playing with them, every little thing from getting dressed to eating meals was a battle with him and it was heartbreaking. I didn't even think he was very happy which made me feel so sad and helpless.

Don't beat yourself up when you feel knackered and exasperated with it all. It's because you love Rye so much that it's getting to you and I bet for sure that he knows you love him too!!

Don't read too much into it either. He will go through so many changes before he becomes an adult. My DS just grew out of it and he is a lovely lad now, very sensitive as it turned out and nobody believes me when I tell them how difficult he was when he was little.

Hang on in there, give yourself permission to feel the way you do without blaming yourself and if you have a rotten day, remember that tomorrow will very likely be totally different.

Lots of love to you. xxxxxxxxx

Rose said...

Joxy my darling, I think there are many other mothers who would echo what you've said ... I'm one of them. Mothering free spirits is hardcore, it's a constant self examination, rhythm helps, good food helps, time for yourself helps .... meditation deffinitly helps, so you heading in the right direction, I think this is just the way it is.
Maybe it's something to do with the moon or the planets becaue yesterday was the most hiddeous day - both my two were atrocious and honestly we could not wait to get them to bed. I ended up knealing on their bedroom floor in floods of tears as they refused even to be even the slightest bit nice at bed time.
But, today is a new day and it is for you too. Be kind to yourself hun you and believe in yourself. Much love X

Rose said...

Joxy hun, it is indeed a hard task mothering free spirited boys I echo your thoughts today.I examine myself and my tactics constantly and beat myself up often over things. This evening saw me in floods of tears on the kids bedroom floor as they couldn't even muster an ounce of niceness as I gently put them to bed after a day of the most horrific behaviour. We couldn't wait to get them to bed it was that bad and we did not take them out to the fireworks in the end either as a result of their behaviour. BUT today is a new day and you have listed things which will indeed help - good food, rhythm, time for yourself in particular meditation. I am learning that however quickly I change myself it takes them longer to adjust to that and adopt my new approaches. But keep on keepin' on Mama and most of all be kind to yourself.
Big love X