Want to run away.

Today has not been a good day.
Rye has alwasy been a very active little boy; as he gets older I'm beginning to wonder if its something more.  Rye is not overly great at empathy either - actually that's an under statement, it's not that he doeesn't see when someone is upet or happy, he just doesn't seem to care.  I am constantly intervening between  him and the little girl I mind.  Now, ok, he ignores her crying in large part because she's a wee bit of a drama queen and will cry at the slightest thing, so when he does actually hurt her, he doesn't take any notice of her crying.  Still, he ignores when she tells him she doesn't like something he's doing, or asks him to stop.  He just keeps on, so it becomes pestering and tormenting.  Frankly it's driving me batty and the only time he stops is if I get really angry and shout.

I don't want to spend my life shouting at him though, there has got to be a better way.  I've read how to talk to kids.... and I try to use it as much as possible, but he just doesn't listen.  Having a simply conversation is hard enough, having to keep pulling him back on topic as he randomly starts talking about other things........ so when trying to talk to him about his behaviour is neigh on impossible.

I am wondering if maybe nicking an idea from the Sonlight programme, might help him?  I'm tired so I can't think what it's called at the moment; basically it's a ring binder with lots of pictures in it.  Rye is a visual learner and while he can follow fairly complex instructions, it can take repeating a few times before he's successful.  I wonder if making up a ring binder with different pictures of emotions, our rhythm etc will help him to listen effectively.

Shouting and being angry is just not helping; sure in the short term I get his cooperation, or the very least a temproary respite of whichever behaviour is beginning to really piss me off.  But he is coping my tone when angry..and hearing it parroted back to me.. well its cringeworthy and very shaming.  So long term I'm simply adding to the problem of his behaviour.

Rhythm, again this helps so I need to be more mindful of keeping our rhythm a bit more in place... I'm a lackadaisical type of person, and while Rye can be adaptable.. I am beginning to wonder if some of his manic behaviour is a response to that.

Although to be fair too, the past few days has been sugar fest of the highest order... and yes I know, I've always said I have never noticed much of a difference in his behaviour in relation to what he's eaten....... but he has been so awful today that maybe it does.  Worth investigating anyway.

I wrote on a forum I use earlier that there's time I don't like him, that I worry he's turning into a bully, or will end up being abusive like his dad has been in the past.....I love him, absolute no doubt about that...... but oh my, I do have such fears for him.  However, he's now sat on my bedroom floor, looking at some Cars cards, chattering away to himself and I can't help but smile and chide myself... how can I not like and love this boy; he's delightful............. but wow he's hard work and wow he really makes me examine myself and how I parent him... and at the moment, I loathe the way I'm parenting him, it's not often I feel tearful, but tonight I could cry my heart out.    Tonight single parenthood seems the pits. 

But lets try and end with some positivity; a few things to implement that hopefully will help me to parent in a much more "gentle" way:

1. change diet
2. use rhythm much more
3. create pictorial folder of emotions, actions, behaviours etc.

And I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo need to meditate more!  I find it helps enormously with controlling my temper!

Today, today go away.....

do not come back another day.


what a gawd awful week, what a gawd awful day!

Started off not too badly, I feel lurgified of course; but otherwise, half reasonable. Took the kids to the bank to pay in my fees; popped to the library and then after many years of procrascinating, I decided to buy a slimline 15.4in tv/dvd combi thing.

On arrival home, it was time for the minded child to have a nap. Once she was safely tucked up in bed, I opened up the book, turned on the TV....... and disappointment. The screen was flickering, grainy, the colour was weird... dvds were unwatchable... conclusion screen broken.

A few hours later, minded child is awake, Rye went up to the toilet and hasn't come back down.. so I go and investigate. He has climbed over the stairgate, somehow pulled her out of the travel cot. And she is half naked because she decided to get undressed and pee everywhere.. and leave a little present in her cot. **sigh**
Rye was being argumentative when I told him to go downstairs, saying to me, "No, I won't go downstairs." Well I blew my top, and bellowed and screeched. **sigh** Rye screamed terrified, running downstairs and hiding under the table and missus, sat on the beanbag bed holding the duvet and surveying me fearfully.

Way to go, Jacqui.

Sat on the sofa and gave both kids a big cuddle and apologised for shouting. Clearly they don't really fear me, as Rye did say to me, "Shouting isn't very nice, mama." and missus blew a raspberry at me.

This evening hasn't been particularly great either. Missus's mum gave Rye and me a lift to the shops; but she was in a rush, so I ran out the door, forgetting to get my keys out of the door. I didn't realise until I was walking back from the shops with replacement TV. My heart sank because my friends, who live round the corner, are going to Mexico on holiday and to see the Day of the Dead festivals. Thankfully, it's tomorrow they leave. Even more thankfully, their 16yr old son did not need to use the ladders to get through my bedroom window - because I'd yet again left the back door unlocked. (Bad, bad habit, but oh, thank the Gods!), so he just need to hop over my 6 foot fence.

Phew!

Oh, and yes the replacement TV works lovely. Yah.

So ended on a reasonable note.......but yes I am very glad to see the back end of this week!

Approaching Four.

Rye will be four years old on 1st Jan 2010. He is trying on four now in anticipation of his birthday.

"You be quiet, no shouting". He says to me pointing his finger.
I try very hard not to laugh, "Hey, don't speak to me like that,"
"Yes, I will speak at you", he tells me, narrowing his eyes and trying to look, well, not sure really.. but damn it's cute and I dissolve into laughter.

This boy of mine is pushing harder and harder at the boundaries, and at my authority.
At the moment I'm not quite up to the challenge, lurginess has raised the spectre of shouty mama, (hence the above dialogue) and she's not especially effective when dealing with a fiesty and cheeky almost four year old.

Sigh, I was just getting good at this three year old stage too.. now he's gone and changed again. Tiring and highly frustrating.... but oh, how exciting too and of course our relationship, once again changes, evolves and becomes more complex, more interesting... I confess though, there is some tredipation too.
I hope I'm mama enough to meet this next challenge.

A trying day.

The day began with promise; beautiful sunrise, lots of cuddles from my bouncy, giggly son, lots of boobie, a bit more snoozing, more cuddles, puzzles in bed, more boobie.  Then downstairs for play with cars, play dough, some colouring, then we walked down to the nursery to pick up my mindee, stopped at the park on the way home for 20 mins or so.

Not long after the snot appeared.  Rye does not like snot, so there has been much wailing about "snot in me nose," and floods of tears when asked to stop doing something that is beginning wear my patience out.  Couple in manic, simply not listening behaviour and it quickly became a very, very trying day.  In the end I sent Rye upstairs before I lost my temper and threw my toys out of the pram.  I felt a cow, poor lad is ill, although the guilty feelings did dissipate a tad when he stood at top of stairs screaming down at me.. and out came the pointy finger and the firm, "bed!"   Ohhh the wailing, oh the banging and throwing.  Such a cruel mama. :-(

After a few moments the desire to scream at him had faded and I called him back downstairs to listen to story time and for us to make up and have "couchcuddles".  After my mindee had left for the day, he quickly flagged, and was soon snoring and dribbling down my arm again.  I gently laid him on the sofa with blankets and cushions and tidied and cleaned up.  A friend popped round for coffee after reading my FB status, bless her.  Rye woke up snotty, croaky and not very happy at all.  I'm anticipating a loooong night. 
 

Moon influences.

I am hoping it's moon sensitivity that has affected us this week.  Gawd, what a week!  Tuesday, as I blogged already, was very stressful.  Wednesday was fine, the kids played in the garden and I baked:

Thursday was awful.  It started off ok, the HE group were meeting at Brockhill Park and so I popped into town first thing to buy a booster seat for Rye, as one of the families were giving us a lift back....'cept it didn't register that she had said they might not make it after all because of going on holiday to Florida later that evening.  DUH! 

Anyhoos.  Popped into town, picked up a new trolley, this time a rucksac on wheels, to carry the picnic stuff in etc, and then on to Argos for the carseat.  Rye was whinging already and I had made the tactical error of deciding not to take the buggy, and instead have C on my back.  Then while waiting in line for the bus to Saltwood, the bus shut its doors and drove off because the people in front of us in the queue didn't want that bus, so the driver thought that was it... yet there was me and at least 3 other people waiting to get on the bus.  I was not best pleased at all.

Finally, the next bus arrived and we got on it.  Rye insisted on sitting on the front seat, and an elderly gentleman sat next to him.... and for the first time, we had the "Why aren't you in school?"  question, to which I replied incredulously, "he's 3!".  Then the fella actually said to him, "So are you a boy or a girl?" and when Rye didn't reply he said, "Is there something wrong with you, you don't talk much..."   I confessed I was too gobsmacked to say ought.  When the fella got off the bus, I called Rye to join me, and he ignored me, blatantly.  When the bus next stopped I jumped up and dragged him to sit next to me. 

A kind lady told me nudged me when it was time to get off the bus; Rye however, started messing around, putting the seats up and down, (where the buggies go), so I had to grab him and drag him off because round here, the bus drivers have been known to set off if you aren't quick enough to get off..... five minutes later I realised I'd left Rye's brand new booster seat on the bus and C's coat.  Oh, I was absolutely spitting nails, and while I didn't rant at Rye particularly, I did make it very clear I was in a very, very bad mood and he better not annoy me.  So, of course he dragged his feet and whinged.  I very nearly turned around to wait for the next bus to go home... but I'd come this far. 

Some of my moodiness began to dissipate a little on arriving at Brockhill Park.  It is beautiful, although there was some initital harsh words spoken to Rye because once again he ignored me.  I was a tad short with my friend too.    "My" kids were hungry, and I really needed to sit down and recoup, I'd been on my feet since 9am, with C on my back, and by this time it was around half 12, I was hot, p*ssed off, and very thirsty.  So we ate and then my friends took their dog for a long walk, (Siberian Husky, absolutely gorgeous), and I took Rye to the playpark area. 

Then it was time for C to be picked up, my friends came back off their walk and by now the twins were tired and crantankeous, so they decided to leave after a drink.  I stayed, one of the other HE parents offered Rye and me a lift home - I didn't realise when I accepted that she wasn't actually going my way.  Insanely grateful for the lift tho - in a car it really isn't far from here at all.  I confess, I'm thinking more and more about saving up for a car. 

The group has decided to make Brockhill our Thursday meet up place because the kids did really enjoy themselves and there's a lot of different environments to explore and play in.  I've decided I cannot in all fairness ask my charge's mum to pick her up from Brockhill every week, so I'll be going maybe fortnightly, and the weeks not going, I'll take the kids swimming.

Anyway, on arriving home, I had a cuppa then Rye and me walked down to our friends' house for a shared chinese takeaway, it was a very pleasant way to end the day.  It was also good to talk about my lack of coping this week and to be reminded how that Rye is really a fantastic little boy and shouting just is not helpful. 

The plan for Friday was to pop to the bus station in the hope the booster seat and C's coat had been found.  I made the right decision to put C on my back and take the buggy with me.  Rye sat in the seat a lot and seemed to enjoy being wheeled about for a change - it also meant I didn't have to deal with incessant whinning... although he did ask a couple of times to be carried.  I guess cos C was on my back.  I was delighted to get the car seat back, although some scoundral had nicked Cs coat out of the bag.  Sigh.

And today has been pleasant enough.  This week has certainly tired  out Rye, he slept until 10am this morning!  The kids played in the lounge, sure it was a bit noisy and I had to intercede quite a bit; overall it was ok though.  Once C had gone home, Rye and I had some lovely reconnecting time - throwing him over my shoulder onto the bean bag and then teaching him how to balance stood on my hands, hold his arms up into the air and shout, "I am king of the world," before falling backwards onto the beanbag. 

And as today is May 1st and Beltane, it felt appropriate that Rye get outdoors, inspite of the rain, (although, has to be said it's been mostly light showers), and go for a walk.  We played at the park a bit, and while no maypole has featured this May Day, I did chase Rye around the slide a few times, and then we meander home.  There are arts and crafts planned for tomorrow, and an updating of the seaon table - especially as the weather forecast is for a lot of rain tomorrow.

The plan was also to go the Jack in the Green festival in Hastings on Monday; alas the breaking down of hte washing machine means this is not possible now, so instead some friends are coming round tea on Monday, so I'll bake food appropriate for the festival.... and maybe we can make May Day hats for the kids.

Too tired to think of at title.

The past few days have been fun with shouty mama not making much of an appearance at all. Last week there were days when I felt very unattached and parenting just seemed hard, hard work and thankless. This week I've made more of an effort and given my lazy bum a kick and we've been out a lot more.

Yesterday, I took Rye to Kids Planet, meeting up with a couple of mum friends from my Circle. Gosh, Rye loved it, barely a backward glance as he ran off to play. Cue heart palpatitions when I realised I could no longer see Rye in the under fives section - heart attack ensued when I searched and discovered he wasn't in the section at all! Thankfully, he was only "lost" for a couple of minutes when I discovered him coming out of a tunnel in the older kids section. The scary thing is, to get into that section he had to have walked past the table we were sat at and we didn't see him because it was so busy. Needless to say, I didn't stay much longer, much to Rye's disgust, I promised him we'd go back on Monday when the schools are back in and keeping an eye on him is much easier. I hope I never loose him anywhere more public because I don't think my heart could take it!

Much safer option today of the local park. Rye loved playing on the slide and interacting with the other kids there too. That child who tried to kick Rye in the post office was in the park too and this time he held the gate shut on a little boy's hand as the little boy tried to pull the gate open to get in. Can't say I'm overly fond of that child and the mother when she finally noticed what he was doing just told him to let the boy in. Mind, the little boy, who looked about 3 (but much smaller than Rye) was in the little kid's section on his own. His mother was at the other side of the park (and its a big park) chatting to her friends - where she was stood she couldn't actually see him on the slide - and this boy liked to go down head first!

Anyway, after the park we walked to the post office and posted off the rain coat for Izzy and the Morgaine wrap to Sarah.
Then into town and an expensive lunch. We alighted at the bus station, near which there is a burger king and being hungry and it being lunchtime I decided I would "treat" us both to a burger... well me a meal deal and Rye a kids meal (flamegrilled chicken burger - 2 teeny ones). It cost nearly £9 and he didn't eat the flipping chicken burgers - to be fair they weren't very nice, the flamegrilled chicken breast was over cooked and dry and the teeny buns were very very sweet. I shan't be doing that again - I normally either take lunch with us or go the bakery - sigh wished I'd gone to the bakery would have been much cheaper and nicer too. Oh well.
I did pick up a book on dough creations so hoping to get some inspiration from that, oh and another crochet hook, this time a very small one and some more incense.

The post man delivered my little stash from Purplelinda Crafts an afghan crochet hook, some glass knitting beads, tiny 3mm black eyes some more bambo yarn and felting wool. This is the type that can be crocheted or knitted then machine washed to felt - really looking forward to tl'u going to bed tonight so I can play!

I've got quite a stash of yarn now. Some of it is acrylic/nylon type stuff which I've picked up cheap from charity shops etc and use for trying out amigurumi patterns (or my own) before using a more expensive yarn.
My favourite yarn is definitely wool or wool blends much nicer to hold and have running through my fingers as I crochet. The bambo yarn I picked up in Maidstone (along with 100% wool - last photo) is 100% bambo and at first Iwasn't quite sure whether I like it or not; plus I used the recommended hook size and I find a 3.5 - 4 mm hook is better; particularly when making items that need stuffing. The end result is very classy. Bambo just looks lovely crocheted up - I'm hoping my season table partner thinks the same when she receives my swap item.

Ohh, on the childminding front, finally there's movement with regard to the first aid course. I'm now booked on one for the end of March and beginning of April - so with any luck I will be registered more or less in time for when I finish work. I'm also seriously considering becoming an agent for Tish Tash Toys I've looked into these agent things before but it's always been stuff that I couldn't care less about - make up and the like - whereas these toys are something I can be enthusiastic about ..... and if I do decide to go down the party route too being toys I can take my little 'un with me :)

I am really looking forward to finishing work on 31st March. Not long now and I'm looking forward to childminding, when I have shouty days with Rye I sometimes wonder what I'm letting myself in for and whether I'll cope but I think it wil be ok and if it isn't then I have plenty of options.

Downhill...

Blah, what a crap day.

Started off really well, Rye woke me up at 7:30am by knocking on his door and seemed really happy. We got up had breakfast, I hung up washing, (and brought in nappies I'd left out and had got wet - oops), made bread with tl'u and it was all good. Planned to go to baby rhythm and then onto kids planet...... then it started to rain, not just a drizzle but a real heavy continuous rain. I just didn't fancy getting wet so decided we'd stay in have fun at home...

Then jitterness set in, and I started to feel bored, fed up and so not in the mood to do anything but eat - and boy have I eaten today. I feel sick I've eaten so much - binge portions.

I also feel a terrible mama because I'd done nothing but shout at Rye, I've barely finished apologising for one outburst before the next one begins. I got terribly irrational with him when he asked for a "juice" and I couldn't find his cup, I kept shouting "where is it???" and telling him if we couldn't find his cup he couldn't have a drink and maybe in future he'd learn to put it on the side.....sigh. I have other cups for goodness sake! Found the cup in the end it was in the cupboard that the squash is kept in...

Blah - be glad when today is over.