Want to run away.

Today has not been a good day.
Rye has alwasy been a very active little boy; as he gets older I'm beginning to wonder if its something more.  Rye is not overly great at empathy either - actually that's an under statement, it's not that he doeesn't see when someone is upet or happy, he just doesn't seem to care.  I am constantly intervening between  him and the little girl I mind.  Now, ok, he ignores her crying in large part because she's a wee bit of a drama queen and will cry at the slightest thing, so when he does actually hurt her, he doesn't take any notice of her crying.  Still, he ignores when she tells him she doesn't like something he's doing, or asks him to stop.  He just keeps on, so it becomes pestering and tormenting.  Frankly it's driving me batty and the only time he stops is if I get really angry and shout.

I don't want to spend my life shouting at him though, there has got to be a better way.  I've read how to talk to kids.... and I try to use it as much as possible, but he just doesn't listen.  Having a simply conversation is hard enough, having to keep pulling him back on topic as he randomly starts talking about other things........ so when trying to talk to him about his behaviour is neigh on impossible.

I am wondering if maybe nicking an idea from the Sonlight programme, might help him?  I'm tired so I can't think what it's called at the moment; basically it's a ring binder with lots of pictures in it.  Rye is a visual learner and while he can follow fairly complex instructions, it can take repeating a few times before he's successful.  I wonder if making up a ring binder with different pictures of emotions, our rhythm etc will help him to listen effectively.

Shouting and being angry is just not helping; sure in the short term I get his cooperation, or the very least a temproary respite of whichever behaviour is beginning to really piss me off.  But he is coping my tone when angry..and hearing it parroted back to me.. well its cringeworthy and very shaming.  So long term I'm simply adding to the problem of his behaviour.

Rhythm, again this helps so I need to be more mindful of keeping our rhythm a bit more in place... I'm a lackadaisical type of person, and while Rye can be adaptable.. I am beginning to wonder if some of his manic behaviour is a response to that.

Although to be fair too, the past few days has been sugar fest of the highest order... and yes I know, I've always said I have never noticed much of a difference in his behaviour in relation to what he's eaten....... but he has been so awful today that maybe it does.  Worth investigating anyway.

I wrote on a forum I use earlier that there's time I don't like him, that I worry he's turning into a bully, or will end up being abusive like his dad has been in the past.....I love him, absolute no doubt about that...... but oh my, I do have such fears for him.  However, he's now sat on my bedroom floor, looking at some Cars cards, chattering away to himself and I can't help but smile and chide myself... how can I not like and love this boy; he's delightful............. but wow he's hard work and wow he really makes me examine myself and how I parent him... and at the moment, I loathe the way I'm parenting him, it's not often I feel tearful, but tonight I could cry my heart out.    Tonight single parenthood seems the pits. 

But lets try and end with some positivity; a few things to implement that hopefully will help me to parent in a much more "gentle" way:

1. change diet
2. use rhythm much more
3. create pictorial folder of emotions, actions, behaviours etc.

And I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo need to meditate more!  I find it helps enormously with controlling my temper!

Those joyful moments.

I woke this morning, (Wednesday that is, posting this in the wee hours because tonight, of course, I can't sleep), feeling rather tired and washed out.  Rye was very restless last night, constantly sitting up and trying to pull me over so he could snuggle in my arms.  In the end I had to leave the bedroom and sleep in his room because even in his sleep he was constantly pushing and pulling at me, sitting up in bed and then laying on my back, then moving etc.  Very frustrating, and I could feel myself becoming more and more annoyed - particularly as I now have to be up fairly early in the morning because of the childminding.

There was an unexpected benefit to Rye's nighttime restlessness; he slept in till 10am, so I was able to spend some one on one time with my charge.  She's settled well and clearly enjoys coming to the setting.  I receive big smiles each morning, when her mum drops her off, and my charge is keen to get inside and play.

Then later on in the afternoon, while my charge was having her nap, Rye asked to go out into the garden to play.  I guess because its been snowing all day - only lightly, the odd flutter of a flake, but enough to get a 3yr old's hopes up for snowman making.  Sadly the snow left from New Years Day has turned to ice, so no snowmaking today.  Still, Rye had a grand time playing with his dumper truck and the space hopper:

 

 

And it was lovely to spend  a part of the day just concentrating on being present with him, laughing with him when he fell of the space hopper, chatting about the possibility of making a snow man etc.  I also had time to do a little baking and made a lovely loaf of wholemeal bread, pizza bases for the freezer, and a thrown together fruit flapjack made with honey and agarve syrup rather than golden syrup.  Really nice, although prehaps used a bit too much honey and argarve syrup because the flapjack breaks up very easily.  The kids didn't mind though.

Later still, my heart nearly burst with pride as I watched Rye rub my charge's leg after she'd fallen over the train track they were playing with, and ask her if she was "ok?" and give her a hug.  Then while she was sat in the highchair munching on fruit flapjack, while I put together our tea of leek and potatoe soup with fresh homemade bread, still warm from the oven; I heard Rye singing "Round and Round the Garden", to her and performing the accompanying actions.  My charge was giggling her head off and I stood, unobserved, in the kitchen doorway just watching and smiling.

He changed the words slightly though, and sang:

"Round and round the garden goes the Polar Bear, one step, two step, tickle you there!"

Tis moments like that, which really slice through the difficult and challenging times, (and occasional sleep deprivation), to remind me that motherhood is marvelous blessing.  He's not "mine", he simply is, a small person sharing my living space, and together we are journeying, loving and making a lifetime of precious memories.

Christmas Party.

Firstly, very annoyed with myself, I forgot my camera!  Particularly annoyed because it was Rye's first Christmas Party.

The toddler party was great, Rye had a fantastic time, he particularly enjoyed the food, a LOT of sweet stuff.  Poppet seemed to really enjoy the party too and tucked into her food, (just savoury for her).  The magician was a big hit with the kiddies and Santa was a bit mute today lol.  It was my ex-childminder's daughter, she did really well and the kids loved their pressies.  The party didn't cost a thing - well apart from the wee presents for each child the parents brought with them.  And ok it was bog standard kiddy party food - i.e. looks of junk but then, as my whole philosophy is based on everything in moderation; I didn't fret and just let him tuck him - with gusto I add lol.

After the party we then walked down to Kids Planet, Rye wanted carrying, so I popped him on my back and pushed Poppet in the buggy - hehe, wish it was the other way round, she is sooo light.  A great time was had at Kids Planet too, first hour I played with poppet and just followed her around to observe how she was getting on.  She's a bright spark, bless her, very sociable and friendly with a lovely sunny nature.  It was very cute watching her follow Rye around and much to my suprise he did sort of "take care" of her.  I expected him to run off and play with the other HE kids - and sure he did, but he did keep coming back to check on her. 

Shattered again - lol at this rate I won't be suprised if the weight drops off me; I'm so busy running after my charge and Rye that, apart from a few nibbles at the party I'd not eaten until I got home - which was lovely sweet potatoe casserole, which Poppet seemed to really enjoy too.

Bath tonight, I ache lol.  I hate to admit it, but Rye is really getting to heavy for me now.  It feels fine when he's on my back, later though I do ache, particularly my lower back, which I have problems with anyway.  So yeah, I think I may need to look into a double buggy.

A full day - tomorrow we are staying close to home and chilling.