Thursday, 17 December 2009

Journies.

After my charge left with her mum at 1pm, I bundled Rye up and we ventured forth into town.  Rye conveniently wanted to be pushed in the buggy, ideal because the weather was forecast to be snowy/sleet this afternoon and I needed to do some shopping and those buggy handles would be handy for bags.

There are practical reasons for my dislike of buggys; pain on the bus, in shops with narrow aisles etc, mostly though I hate the disconnectedness.  Rye is sat out in front, and all I can see is his knees, even with the hood pushed back.  I have no idea what he's looking at, it's near impossible to share sudden thoughts, sights, giggles etc.  In some ways it's similar when he's on my back - at least we have the physcial closeness though, and the feel of little arms cuddled around me is out of this world.  I can hear him too, whereas I can't when he's in the buggy unless I stop and go round to the front of it so I can see him and it is easier to share what I can see with him when he's on my back - not least because his at my eyeline height, well, more or less.

Buggys just seem to be a metaphor for a less connected parenting that is favoured today. 
Interestingly, once home Rye wanted lots of cuddles and finally settled sat next to me on the sofa, with my arms around him and his head laid against my arm as he dozed.  I think like me, after a few hours of the buggy separation, he needed to feel close and attached again.

I am really sad that my babywearing journey is coming to an end, it's been such a wonderful journey.  I don't think its  a stretch to say babywearing saved my AP tendencies.  Rye was so demanding when he was a newborn and I struggled so desperately, cried and wished I'd never had him, we had major problems with breastfeeding and no support around me except for my ex whose answer to everything was to give formula and leave the baby to cry.  I didn't want to, the first 24 hours when I'd been so awkstruck by this little bundle was still there, even weeks in of sleeping upright in a chair with a little baby on my chest, is what I think saved me from crashing straight into PND, even in my most desperate moments when I had to leave the room because I had reached the point if I stayed I would have hurt him.... then I began to wear him, I also began to cosleep and the combination saved our relationship.

To remember those painful first weeks/months brings tears, thankfully the babywearing meant he slept and being close to him, cuddling him... well, how could I not love him and bond - he was there in my arms, sweet, delicious and so tiny, yet amazing.  Babywearing has become a symbol of Rye's and mine journey in attached parenting, in learning to meet our needs peacefully (still learning this bit lol), and with respect and with joy.

This wasn't the post I planned to write, it seems to be the one I needed to write though.

5 comments:

Earthmummy xx said...

Hugs x I know how you feel. Toby has been in the buggy quite a lot in the last few weeks for practical reasons, and I HATE it! It's so much hassle to have to stop the buggy, move round it and bend down to talk to him, it ends up feeling like a inconvenience to interact with my own son. I end up feeling resentful when he needs me, and we just get so disconnected. When I have him in the sling its soooo different

Naomi said...

I hate the damn things too but also for practical reasons use one and don't like how easy it is to temporarily (only very temporary though lol) forget they're there because they're quiet and out of sight! *sigh* x

arwen_tiw said...

(huugs)

Ellie said...

I am time travelling in your blog because I love reading what you write so much. It is so refreshingly honest and I can relate to everything you say. Inspirational, that's what it is!

Anyway, I just wanted to share with you that I had exactly the same experience in Caitlin's first weeks/months and I can't bear to think of it now. I struggled with breast feeding (no one tells you how much it HURTS as a new Mum and that it doesn't just happen) and the tiredness and the demandingness ... and also wondered what the hell I had done and then felt so guilty ...

Like you, the sling saved me too (oh, I also got the formula and leave to cry advice, from my Mum who was wonderfully supportive but very opinionated about it!).

I also think those painful first weeks (and the guilt) and the life-changing shock of becoming a parent made my love for Caitlin incredibly intense. I expect you feel the same.

I think you are very brave and very wonderful for sharing all this and I'd like to thank you. Not many people are so open. It's been a real pleasure meeting you and Rye.

Ellie x (Caitlin's Mum)

Joxy said...

Aww thank you Ellie. :D