This week has been wearying.
Rye's initial assessment was frustrating, distressing, illuminating. Frustrating that yet another expert seems to believe home education means keeping one's child in a bubble, and refused to listen to anything that contridicted the belief. Distressing because my fears were realised and it does appear that Rye may be Aspergers and also have a condition called Pathalogicial Demand Avoidance Syndrome; that contrariness I've on ocassion ranted about, well it's not just a 4yr old phase, it is a symptom of Rye feeling out of control and anxious. He has been referred for a thorough assessment, which should happen in the next 6 months. And there's the illumination too.
PDA. I'm not interested in the politics surrounding this condition; whether it is or not a part of Aspergers, whether one can have PDA and Aspergers together etc. I don't care really, I just want to know how best to help my son - that other stuff is the politics of these conditions and let the experts argue it out. All I want to know is how do we progress now, and then there's also that nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.
I am struggling with some of it; the biggy being love. Does Rye understand love? Is he capable of it or is it simply a tool for manipulation, for controlling his enviroment, me?
The mind whirls, even when asleep it dream ponders; nothing is resolved.
Don't be silly of course he loves you, and we all use "love" to manipulate to some degree.
Is Rye's degree so encompassing he doesn't feel love?
Doesn't change your love for him; he learns about love from you.
"superficial, superficial, superficial, superficial" A word that means with no substance or meaning, of no emotional depth; and this is the word that is constantly used in reference to PDA. My heart breaks a little bit more. What will the future hold for my boy if he is incapable of love?
Is he incapable? All those hugs, "I love you mummmeeeee", the delight on his face when he sees me, racing into my arms, wanting to be so close to me he prefers to sleep in my bed, his delight he takes in showing me something he's acheived/done.... turning to me when he's hurt himself. Trusting me to make it better. His shinning eyes, his laughter and joy. If those things are not a part of love, then what is?